a poem about love

I knew a girl,

she was just like you..

she had real sad eyes,

& a smile as wide as her face.

& sometimes late at night,

after everyone she loved was fast asleep,

she would count the stars,

bc she never connected w the sheep.

this little girl,

her troubles began,

when she was only half your age.

all alone, in a house full of sin,

the favors stack up,

1, 2, 3, little sheep lost

in their innocence tonight.

& at what cost?

you see this little girl,

she had a high price to pay.

it doesn’t come for nothing,

the house and the meal.

the clothes on her back,

weren’t shelter enough

from the hands that provided it all.

when your needs are met, is it so rough?

& this little girl knew well,

what was expected of her.

& she blamed herself,

for bringing it out of him.

she made herself smaller,

quieter, acclimating to hell..

she played her part perfectly,

it was their secret, & she would never tell.

but even porcelain dolls,

get lonely on their shelf.

& their owners outgrown them,

& cast them aside….

who would love her now?

her fabrics all used………

& some of her insides are missing,

from the years she was abused.

this little girl grew

& she hid in her mind

the memories..

& they too,

they felt the shame of the sin.

& all along,

she missed the boy that she loved.

& she knew that was wrong.

& this little girl,

a grown woman now,

decided to run…

& found herself,

w her hands around

the perfect escape.

& the boy w no face,

became apart of the landscape.

this is the part

where she learned the worlds truth.

& how,

no matter how deeply

you push it away,

this kind of pain,

it’s never goes for long,

bc it’s re-wired your brain.

she watched, helpless,

as her portal

onto this earth

slowly, so slowly

fell

to the very same sickness.

& as it shared in its poison again,

it begged for her forgiveness.

the day finally came,

when she held her mother

for the last time.

no, not in the name of death,

as was promised,

but in her own self preservation….

then, seeking healing,

she found meditation.

so now time has grown on,

& she’s worked w it well.

but every now & then….

she does look back,

though, only long enough

to peek over the trees.

afraid to forget again,

she writes their story on the leaves.

we’re approaching fall now,

& she’ll soon learn,

as she does every year,

the art and the beauty,

of letting what’s dead

fall to decay.

bc w this release,

she’ll find what’s meant to stay.

why I want to guide others through meditation

Yoga absolutely changed my life. And the deeper I found myself in my yoga practice, I had to realize, that for the very reasons yoga saved me, I had to work to release my attachments to it completely.

I had found the most amazing release! Better than any high, any human touch or interaction, a feeling that is solely from within me and just for my experience. I had found a way to free myself inside of my body, how to move so that I felt open, alive, confident. For the first time in my life, something came naturally to me. I had a natural talent and progressed quicker than I had at anything ever before. As I fell in love with this newfound liberation, I developed an emotional attachment to the practice and my own progress within the practice.

It was for this reason, I had to renounce the practice completely.

Yes, I could move within my own body, but could I sit within myself? How deeply could I sit in my own seat, how deeply could I feel my emotions, and how long had I been so disconnected from the person that’s inside of this body I’ve been moving around so much? Who was this person I had been running from, escaping for years? What did she want, and why had I been so afraid of her? When exactly did I decide to reject myself? How could I find my way to myself? Could I ever??

I spent so much time pushing myself, “working hard,” “grinding,” climbing stairs(literally), I had begun to identify myself with success, when in all reality, I had found a way to work with momentary release, making it work for me, so that I didn’t have to fully think and be alone inside of my own mind. I transformed in my practice throughout my training to become an instructor, but I had to face one cold hard fact coming out the other side of my teacher training graduation: Just bc you can physically do the yoga posture, it doesn’t mean that you are prepared mentally and emotionally to guide others back into themselves. We have to find a place of authenticity within ourselves, before we can inspire others to do the same. Physically I had excelled in my training, but I had to allow my mind and thought process to catch up, and join the strides I had made within my body and muscle tissue.

I had to be okay doing absolutely, completely nothing. Working out excessively, constant stretching and movement to keep my thoughts in motion, was ultimately doing my soul a disservice. I knew in my heart that true growth would come from finding a way to keep my thoughts flowing without having to “do” anything. Sculpting your person and becoming “fit” is an amazing feeling, but it isn’t that soul filling, wholeness, kind of feeling. Distraction isn’t the same thing as happiness, I learned quickly.

For myself, the true healing began when I was able to find comfort within myself. When I was able to face my own internal feelings of shame, self doubt, and judgement. When I chose to sit with me, to forgive me, to love me, to nurture me. When I learned to hold my body instead of push my body.

The catalyst to my newfound healing and comfort: the way I spoke to myself. The words I used to describe my person, the way I allowed myself to think about the person that I was. When I chose compassion, rather than to continue to judge myself for my past. The more I opened my perspective relating to internal communication within my body, my body reacted and responded to me differently. I no longer felt as anxious, I no longer found myself shaking or nervously moving. I no longer felt the need to push myself and physically exhaust myself. I began to find an overwhelming sense of contentment and comfort in solitude, and couldn’t wait until I could find some time to myself just to meditate and be with myself! For so long, I was the last person that I wanted to be alone with, and suddenly, nothing compared to the time that I got to spend alone with myself. I truly began to understand what it meant to love myself and my body.

Once I then reimplement my personal yoga practice, my connection to my body had grown exponentially. I was connected to my body and my limbs and my muscles in a way I hadn’t been before. I felt the stretches deeper, I completely lost myself in my movement, thinking of nothing but my body and my soul in harmony.

This is why I want to guide others into their own meditative practice. It’s this sense of peace, and reconstruction of personal perspective, that I feel can only come through getting comfortable with facing every part of yourself, seeing yourself truly and completely, and choosing to love yourself because of everything that you are inside. This is the healing that I feel called to share with others.

purple haze

When I think about this blog and the things I want to talk about, there’s an underlying feeling of guilt. I immediately think about all of the people I’ve ever offended or hurt, not just online, but how many time my words have actually caused someone else pain. And I think about all the words from other people that I’ve seen, especially online, that either hurt me, or I felt the radiating effect of negative energy caused by someone at the receiving end of painful words. It makes me think deeper into why is it that I immediately focus on my shortcomings, instead of every time I’ve helped someone in a positive way. When it comes to developing relationships with others, I’m triggered in this same way.

For a while now, I’ve been saying my biggest fear in a relationship is that the other person won’t take me seriously. I’ve now grown enough, to realize that the other person is just a reflection of myself, and that truly, I don’t take myself seriously. I’ve spent a lot of time hurt, because I felt I was already counted out by the outside, and I created this reality for myself when I stopped believing that I was worthy and capable. Of a healthy relationship, of speaking my truth publicly, of developing a connection with myself and learning to love myself on the inside.

For most of my youth communication was something I just opted out of doing completely. At a point I lost all connection to the outside, I stopped writing, I stopped being present and I lost who I was. I had decided that none of this here was for me, and that I would never be enough. Life became messier, as I became more numb, slowly, and then all at once. I decided in my mind I wanted no one, and I felt that would be less painful than to put myself out there… and still end up with no one. Again, already counting myself out. Protecting myself from my own imagination.

At my roots, I don’t believe that I am worthy of someone who will stay with me throughout all of the ups and the downs. And deeper still, I’m afraid that I won’t stay with someone through the ups and the downs. I am afraid that I will get tired, bored, stressed, overwhelmed, scared, confused, or second guess myself, and leave someone else, not taking their feelings serious enough. It’s much easier to bail in relationships than to do the work, and that’s just the surface of the issues. Everything I don’t accept, or forgive, in others behavior, is the reason I don’t accept myself. With out accepting myself, I can’t expect the outside to accept my voice either.

This is me working to forgive myself for who I have been. This is me admitting to the internet that sometimes I doubt myself and that I am the right person, or am fit to hold a platform and share my story. But also know that I’m working hard every single day to get more and more real with myself. My intention is to heal the relationships in my life at every level. Beginning with my relationship with myself, I want to share my journey of falling in love, and hopefully inspire others to do the same.

afraid of the light

Yesterday while watching a video on Gaia, I head one sentence that stood out and made me think. “People aren’t afraid of their shadows, they are afraid of their light,” and I think this couldn’t be more true. We are so afraid to truly see ourselves.

It’s much easier to identify with the darkness that’s being reflected off of us, it feels almost separate from us, and out of our control. It’s always there. No matter where we go, it follows. It become like a comfort zone, a default escape goat. It takes the responsibility away from us. In this same way we remain victims, unable to stand up and find a way out of our own mental construct.

To open our eyes and shine light on everything we are desperately trying to keep hidden, would crumble the image were upholding to the outside. It takes more work to actually go over and “clean” all the messy and imperfect areas of our lives. But in the end, it takes more effort, and drains more energy, to prop up the identity we desire.

To go inward and face the deepest parts of your self, is the scariest thing imaginable, at first. Once you face that fear within, it’s the most liberating form of freeing yourself, from yourself. When we look to the outside for clarity, we are reflected back only what’s outside of us. None of this is true to the pure light that’s reflected in the self. When we draw all of our outward senses in, and focus internally, the pure light of god is given back to us. This is within us always, waiting for us to draw our attention back to it. Medication is the best way to pull the concentration within, refocusing the mind on the body, our own image of god.

Part of the light, or truth, is we all have a shadow. We all have negative aspects that we want to hide or cover up. But when we let this over come us, and fall into cycles of shame and embarrassment, we let the shadows engulf us. We become blind to the darkness we’re submerged into. The light suddenly feels painful, too much, more than our eyes could handle. We become so acclimated to the darkness, our perspective adjusts more and more as we become comfortable. Eventually we will have such distortion in our vision, we will reject anything that brings light into our lives completely. Pure love makes us uncomfortable and afraid. We keep running, but we can’t see where we’re going anymore. We see the light, and it looks like the end of something. We are too afraid to walk into that unknown and face the deepest parts of ourselves, and we never come out the other side to see ourselves through.

It took me years of coming to that edge, and realizing, if I could only find the courage to keep going… only to run back to everything I’ve ever known, before I finally took a real leap. This isn’t something we can just decide we’re going to do, and then all the work takes care of itself. This is waking up every single day and making the conscious decision to work, to keep pushing, until you aren’t uncomfortable with yourself anymore. Until the day that you can learn to grow into your light. The option that scares us the most, is the option that will bring the most value and substance. Do not be afraid of your path and your capabilities. The sweetest rewards lie just over the other side of your greatest fear, follow the light child.

becoming a yoga instructor

In two weeks I will be graduating from my yoga teacher training. I began this program mid November, and it actually being March now feels so unreal. The fact that I will be a certified yoga instructor feels unreal. I’ve considered a lot of things as I thought about my future and what would be best for me. Photography seemed only natural, but at the same time something always held me back from completely diving into it. I have walked in a lot of directions, but I never felt that certainly that I was becomeing the person that I was capable of becoming.

I first began working when I was 13, hosting and busing tables at the local steakhouse in my hometown. Having the opportunity to make decent money, I was able to save and eventually provide a life for myself. I waited tables for 7 years before I finally exhausted myself and burnt out of the fast and efficient way of service.

I’m the summer of 2017, when I was 20 years old, I just decided to quit. My job, my life, my town, everything about the person that I had been, and everything I had known. I gave up in every single aspect possible. I stopping making any efforts in any direction and simply started praying. I walked my dog and spent all of my time outside in the mountains, looking over everything I had ever known. Questioning myself, my existence, where I belonged, why I was here, why I couldn’t keep up with the outside world the way everyone else seemed to. I didn’t just blend in, and I couldn’t just do what others before me had done, things were just awkward for me. I renounce my desire to be someone who could fit into what was “normal” and accepted. I gave up every personal desire I had about myself. My hair, sense birth, had been the thing that meant the most to me, and gave me security. I completely chopped it off to less than an inch. Every single action I took at this time, I did so with the intention to give myself and my life to god. I wanted nothing for myself, because at first I felt unworthy of anything. But along my journey I grew past this negativity, and I now have found a deeper, truer, and more pure love for myself and others.

I was unemployed for 6 weeks, and I put almost no thought into what I would do for work. I focused on simply being present with my dog. Finally, I woke up and said to myself, it was getting time to find some income. That day, I was browsing through the online yard sale site in my hometown, and found someone posting about working with the elderly. I was told to come for an interview the next day, and was hired that same day. The following morning I went to see my first client, and everything that followed in my life after has absolutely molded me into the person I am today. My eyes and my heart were opened by all of the amazing souls I came into contact with. I learned so much about myself and how those who came before me were so similar. I was introduced to the Dharma, Qigong, books like the alchemist and A New Earth, and the more I opened myself to everything my clients could teach me, the more closely I felt connected to god.

All along my journey after this I continued to consider where my place in this world was. Where I could touch and serve the most people, in a way that also was the best thing for me and my personal growth. I felt so lost all the way through 2018, feeling like no matter how much of myself I did give, I still couldn’t save the ones I loved. This was a hard truth to swallow. But in doing so, I finally dove into saving myself. I dove into yoga hard, and refocused myself on finding strength, stability, and endurance within myself. I began to take care of myself, and my body in a way I had never before. Turning inward, yoga, has saved my life. My health and vitality have never been in such great condition, able to withstand more than ever. Even upon realizing how amazing this practice was and how much it had changed me, I still never considered I would be teaching. It literally never once occurred to me to look for a training, or that I was remotely capable of teaching someone else how to exercise.

On one of my days off I went to Gilbert run, a short hike not far from where I’m living now, in Maryland. I sat on the pier by the river and practiced yoga and cried because I felt so thankful to be able to move me body so freely and finally, finally I was able to express myself. I remember standing on the edge, and feeling the rushing water move underneath me. I felt like I was flourishing above the current, and I could feel the energy flowing through me, hollowing me out. I thought to myself how, this was exactly what I wanted to be doing all the time. All of my days, all of my hours, I wanted to spend moving my body. And still, I did not consider becoming a yoga instructor. It wasn’t until the next day, when I went to my gym for yoga. After the practice that day, lying on the mat, completely exhausted, I felt the urge to just get up and ask where this teacher had gotten her training. Without a second thought, I got up and went and asked her. It was the most compulsive and in-the-moment thing I’ve ever done. She was so excited, and received the question with such positively. She told me her friend was starting a new training the next day and gave me her number. I wasn’t able to attend that training specifically, but I did make contact and plans to complete a one-on-one training.

I’m am so thankful for the opportunity to share my passions with people, and hopefully inspire someone in some small way. At the most trying and challenging point in my life, I asked the power high than me to give me the strength that was beyond me, to make it through the unknown ahead of me. And so much more was delivered, so much more than I could have ever asked for. So much more than I can believe at times. Not only did spirit take my hand and lead me through, but he continued to walk with me and has allowed me to journey far past I ever thought possible. I truly never saw myself here, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. God knew my heart and my soul and gave me everything I needed to mend and nurture all the areas where I was lacking. My journey of learning and evolving doesn’t stop in two weeks, as I know god will be with me always.

Becoming a yoga instructor, I have no idea where I’m gonna live or teach, but as you’ve probably learned by now, it doesn’t matter. I know I will find my way to exactly the place that needs a heart like mine. I’m really excited to continue to find my way and share my thoughts as go….

Do you really love me unconditionally?

I wanted to write this out just because personally, I’ve had a lot of experiences where the love I received from someone made me feel negatively about the person that I was, in comparison to the person they felt I should be. The classic, “I just really care about her and I want to help her.” Or, the number of friends I’ve listened to rant on about how much they just wanted to “help” some guy they felt they loved. But here is my hang up… If you truly loved this person for who they are, why do you feel entitled to the responsibility to change who they are??

I’ve found that often the savior complex within myself stems back to my own feeling of not being good enough and my own self judgement. Somehow, when you can focus all of your attention and energy in someone else, it takes the heat off of yourself, just enough to feel like you actually have it all figured out. And here’s where it gets messy, we actually stop helping ourselves and become blind to our own needs. We stop taking care of ourselves and putting ourselves first, and further justify ourselves (because deep down we know this is wrong- hence why you have so much unidentifiable anxiety) by saying that we just put the ones we love first. When truly, were just neglecting ourselves and convincing ourselves that we’re giving this person we love, something that they can’t give them selves. This is not true. Every single person is born with everything they could possibly need already inside of themselves, and you aren’t something they need.

The true irony is, often, the people who are fiercely devoting their existence to changing other people, need to do the most work on themselves. These are the girls who claim they want to “fix” their man, yet, are either under or over weight, and unable to take care of their own body. Wanting to change him, while not taking care of their own personal body or making sure they are getting the proper nutrients needed to uphold their own physical and mental health. If you spend 80% of your week in your bed or crying, you are in no way capable of giving another person the true emotional stability they deserve. And further, should absolutely not feel capable to telling someone else what they need.

In my own experience, I had a friend of mine become obsessed with changing me, while he himself was an alcoholic that often talked about killing himself after a few beers. I had another friend tell me how much I needed help, while actively choosing to stay in relationship where she was being lied to and was completely unaware of the person that he actually was. It’s very easy to feel like we have it all together, and we know how everyone should be living, when we chose to turn a blind eye to all of the red flags on our path. Or, cognitive dissonance, put more simply.

It seems so normalized in this current society. Girls(or guys) with low self esteem find themselves in relationships with guys(or girls) who feel over secure and confident in who they are. Instead of stepping themselves up and making efforts to better who they are, they stay in this situation that will never even out. It’s impossible to make this work because you don’t feel whole and valued in the first place, on your own. It’s no one else’s job to make you feel worthy or valued in a relationship. If you don’t feel content in who you are, and happy with who you are, nothing someone else gives to you will ever feel like enough. You’ll be in a state of continual unhappiness, dissatisfied with yourself, projecting that feeling into your partner, making them feel like they also aren’t good enough.

If you look at it in the realest sense, you’re actually trying to manipulate this person into feeling like they aren’t doing a good enough job of loving you, rather than admitting that you just don’t love yourself. This doesn’t help anyone. All this does is make the other person feel negatively about who they are. This in turn makes you feel better about yourself. It validated your own illusion that you are in fact the one in the right, and they’ve realized so, making it true. They’re the one that’s “bad” and you’re “good” and all you wanna do is help them, because you love them so much. When in reality, they probably felt fine about themselves and who they were before you told them it wasn’t enough, or that they needed to change in order to meet your personal standard, that, again, you don’t even meet yourself. Ever.

No one wants to hear this, but when the same people who you’ve deemed to be unlovable and emotionally unavailable, come across a partner who is actually secure and stable and “has their shit together,” they’ll give them everything they didn’t give you. It doesn’t make them a bad person or a douche bag, it makes you not ready. And this person you couldn’t have, never ever said that you weren’t enough. I roll my eyes every time I see the cheesy “don’t ever let someone else make you feel like you weren’t enough.” No one can MAKE YOU feel like anything. YOU are 100% responsible for, and in control of your emotions. You don’t feel like you weren’t enough because you aren’t giving you own self enough, and you can tell. This feeling is coming from within you, something inside of your own person is screaming at you, PLEASE GIVE ME ATTENTION NOW, I NEED IT.

Have you ever considered that maybe the anxiety you are feeling, and trying to convince yourself is the fault of someone else, is just your own voice telling you that YOU already you know you can do better, be better, and give your own self more. I promise you this other person that you are so stuck on helping or fixing didn’t actually ask you for anything. And I’m even more sure that your body has been asking for this same love your trying to give to someone outside of yourself, for a long time. I read that anxiety is just denial of the present moment. In this moment you are trying to convince yourself that your reality is something different then what you’re truly experiencing. If you are stuck in this cycle of self inflicted torment, you have no business trying to help someone else navigate trough their own reality. We can’t help other people see themselves until we can purely and clearly see our own self and the choices that we are making.

When we can’t find a way to love ourselves through the good and the bad, regardless of the decisions we make, unconditionally, we won’t ever give this same love to someone else. It’s impossible to give the outside truly pure and free love while in an inner war. If your partner isn’t meeting your expectations, try taking a look in the mirror before leaping to the conclusion that you just need to fix them. We can completely change everyone around us, and that still won’t make us accept or love ourselves more. What will allow us to form a more loving relationship with ourselves, is realizing that god made each one of us uniquely perfect and in his own image. That means you too, are already perfectly equipped with everything that you need to be the best person you can be. It takes each person realizing this universal truth, and striving everyday to be the best person they can. That’s it. It’s not our responsibility to worry about others and how much help they may or may not need, because we trust in god that he is taking care of each of his children just fine without our interference. I feel this is true faith and unconditional love.

how i got here….

I woke up this morning very much feeling like the dark and challenging parts of my past are behind me. Walking in my neighborhood I could feel the warmth in the air. It’s as if a veil of darkness is being lifted and I can stretch much taller than ever before. The time has come for me to crawl out of my comfort zone and begin to share me ideas with the outside world once again.

I’ve spent the past few years of my life relatively solitary, clinging to the relationships I felt familiar in. As much as this time of self reflection and prayer has served me well, I understand that I cannot manage the rest of my life only sharing myself and my story with my journals. For a long time I felt afraid to put my creations “out there,” for fear that once they left my protection, they no longer belonged to me, but were now vulnerable to the will and judgment of the outside. But at this point in my journey I welcome the opportunity to grow while sharing the way the world resonates with me personally.

I don’t particularly feel like filling out a bio, because who I am is changing all the time. Everyday I feel my eyes are opened to a new perspective I could have never anticipated, and I hope to keep this energy.