I wanted to write this out just because personally, I’ve had a lot of experiences where the love I received from someone made me feel negatively about the person that I was, in comparison to the person they felt I should be. The classic, “I just really care about her and I want to help her.” Or, the number of friends I’ve listened to rant on about how much they just wanted to “help” some guy they felt they loved. But here is my hang up… If you truly loved this person for who they are, why do you feel entitled to the responsibility to change who they are??
I’ve found that often the savior complex within myself stems back to my own feeling of not being good enough and my own self judgement. Somehow, when you can focus all of your attention and energy in someone else, it takes the heat off of yourself, just enough to feel like you actually have it all figured out. And here’s where it gets messy, we actually stop helping ourselves and become blind to our own needs. We stop taking care of ourselves and putting ourselves first, and further justify ourselves (because deep down we know this is wrong- hence why you have so much unidentifiable anxiety) by saying that we just put the ones we love first. When truly, were just neglecting ourselves and convincing ourselves that we’re giving this person we love, something that they can’t give them selves. This is not true. Every single person is born with everything they could possibly need already inside of themselves, and you aren’t something they need.
The true irony is, often, the people who are fiercely devoting their existence to changing other people, need to do the most work on themselves. These are the girls who claim they want to “fix” their man, yet, are either under or over weight, and unable to take care of their own body. Wanting to change him, while not taking care of their own personal body or making sure they are getting the proper nutrients needed to uphold their own physical and mental health. If you spend 80% of your week in your bed or crying, you are in no way capable of giving another person the true emotional stability they deserve. And further, should absolutely not feel capable to telling someone else what they need.
In my own experience, I had a friend of mine become obsessed with changing me, while he himself was an alcoholic that often talked about killing himself after a few beers. I had another friend tell me how much I needed help, while actively choosing to stay in relationship where she was being lied to and was completely unaware of the person that he actually was. It’s very easy to feel like we have it all together, and we know how everyone should be living, when we chose to turn a blind eye to all of the red flags on our path. Or, cognitive dissonance, put more simply.
It seems so normalized in this current society. Girls(or guys) with low self esteem find themselves in relationships with guys(or girls) who feel over secure and confident in who they are. Instead of stepping themselves up and making efforts to better who they are, they stay in this situation that will never even out. It’s impossible to make this work because you don’t feel whole and valued in the first place, on your own. It’s no one else’s job to make you feel worthy or valued in a relationship. If you don’t feel content in who you are, and happy with who you are, nothing someone else gives to you will ever feel like enough. You’ll be in a state of continual unhappiness, dissatisfied with yourself, projecting that feeling into your partner, making them feel like they also aren’t good enough.
If you look at it in the realest sense, you’re actually trying to manipulate this person into feeling like they aren’t doing a good enough job of loving you, rather than admitting that you just don’t love yourself. This doesn’t help anyone. All this does is make the other person feel negatively about who they are. This in turn makes you feel better about yourself. It validated your own illusion that you are in fact the one in the right, and they’ve realized so, making it true. They’re the one that’s “bad” and you’re “good” and all you wanna do is help them, because you love them so much. When in reality, they probably felt fine about themselves and who they were before you told them it wasn’t enough, or that they needed to change in order to meet your personal standard, that, again, you don’t even meet yourself. Ever.
No one wants to hear this, but when the same people who you’ve deemed to be unlovable and emotionally unavailable, come across a partner who is actually secure and stable and “has their shit together,” they’ll give them everything they didn’t give you. It doesn’t make them a bad person or a douche bag, it makes you not ready. And this person you couldn’t have, never ever said that you weren’t enough. I roll my eyes every time I see the cheesy “don’t ever let someone else make you feel like you weren’t enough.” No one can MAKE YOU feel like anything. YOU are 100% responsible for, and in control of your emotions. You don’t feel like you weren’t enough because you aren’t giving you own self enough, and you can tell. This feeling is coming from within you, something inside of your own person is screaming at you, PLEASE GIVE ME ATTENTION NOW, I NEED IT.
Have you ever considered that maybe the anxiety you are feeling, and trying to convince yourself is the fault of someone else, is just your own voice telling you that YOU already you know you can do better, be better, and give your own self more. I promise you this other person that you are so stuck on helping or fixing didn’t actually ask you for anything. And I’m even more sure that your body has been asking for this same love your trying to give to someone outside of yourself, for a long time. I read that anxiety is just denial of the present moment. In this moment you are trying to convince yourself that your reality is something different then what you’re truly experiencing. If you are stuck in this cycle of self inflicted torment, you have no business trying to help someone else navigate trough their own reality. We can’t help other people see themselves until we can purely and clearly see our own self and the choices that we are making.
When we can’t find a way to love ourselves through the good and the bad, regardless of the decisions we make, unconditionally, we won’t ever give this same love to someone else. It’s impossible to give the outside truly pure and free love while in an inner war. If your partner isn’t meeting your expectations, try taking a look in the mirror before leaping to the conclusion that you just need to fix them. We can completely change everyone around us, and that still won’t make us accept or love ourselves more. What will allow us to form a more loving relationship with ourselves, is realizing that god made each one of us uniquely perfect and in his own image. That means you too, are already perfectly equipped with everything that you need to be the best person you can be. It takes each person realizing this universal truth, and striving everyday to be the best person they can. That’s it. It’s not our responsibility to worry about others and how much help they may or may not need, because we trust in god that he is taking care of each of his children just fine without our interference. I feel this is true faith and unconditional love.