When I think about this blog and the things I want to talk about, there’s an underlying feeling of guilt. I immediately think about all of the people I’ve ever offended or hurt, not just online, but how many time my words have actually caused someone else pain. And I think about all the words from other people that I’ve seen, especially online, that either hurt me, or I felt the radiating effect of negative energy caused by someone at the receiving end of painful words. It makes me think deeper into why is it that I immediately focus on my shortcomings, instead of every time I’ve helped someone in a positive way. When it comes to developing relationships with others, I’m triggered in this same way.
For a while now, I’ve been saying my biggest fear in a relationship is that the other person won’t take me seriously. I’ve now grown enough, to realize that the other person is just a reflection of myself, and that truly, I don’t take myself seriously. I’ve spent a lot of time hurt, because I felt I was already counted out by the outside, and I created this reality for myself when I stopped believing that I was worthy and capable. Of a healthy relationship, of speaking my truth publicly, of developing a connection with myself and learning to love myself on the inside.
For most of my youth communication was something I just opted out of doing completely. At a point I lost all connection to the outside, I stopped writing, I stopped being present and I lost who I was. I had decided that none of this here was for me, and that I would never be enough. Life became messier, as I became more numb, slowly, and then all at once. I decided in my mind I wanted no one, and I felt that would be less painful than to put myself out there… and still end up with no one. Again, already counting myself out. Protecting myself from my own imagination.
At my roots, I don’t believe that I am worthy of someone who will stay with me throughout all of the ups and the downs. And deeper still, I’m afraid that I won’t stay with someone through the ups and the downs. I am afraid that I will get tired, bored, stressed, overwhelmed, scared, confused, or second guess myself, and leave someone else, not taking their feelings serious enough. It’s much easier to bail in relationships than to do the work, and that’s just the surface of the issues. Everything I don’t accept, or forgive, in others behavior, is the reason I don’t accept myself. With out accepting myself, I can’t expect the outside to accept my voice either.
This is me working to forgive myself for who I have been. This is me admitting to the internet that sometimes I doubt myself and that I am the right person, or am fit to hold a platform and share my story. But also know that I’m working hard every single day to get more and more real with myself. My intention is to heal the relationships in my life at every level. Beginning with my relationship with myself, I want to share my journey of falling in love, and hopefully inspire others to do the same.